“Chaos and Bloodshed Are Not a Solution”

“Don’t let them lead you astray” – random townsperson in Hamilton, The Musical

This year didn’t begin with bloodshed, but it did start with chaos. And then errupted into shambles. Without a solution. But I was going astray and felt under attack.

I have an issue with focus. I know it’s due to my life-long battle with depression which has manifested itself sometimes mild, sometimes none and sometimes severe. I have worked out a methodology for how to stay motivated and on-task to be able to complete what I need to get done, but I realize that it requires me to have a place outside of my house to just separate church and state. And an organization I volunteer with graciously gave me a set of keys and office to borrow. And it was GLORIOUS. Until…

The keys were lost. They were thrown away through carelessness (and someone who wouldn’t take responsibility for their actions). So I lost an anchor point. A point that was getting me to where I wanted to be in so many ways.
And then…
During a zoom call, I see the area code and “medical center” and I knew my father was hospitalized. Storms prevented me from an immediate trip down. I knew I was going to be a wreck. I haven’t been down to South Carolina in almost seven years since my great uncle transitioned. That’s another story.

But I knew. I knew what was coming. As an only child, I grew up in this role and I am still an expert on making my marks and cues. But I was tired. The stage was familiar and I knew every inch of it. I could enter from stage right and hit my lines. Resonate my voice to elicit the right emotions.

And so I prepared my lines and chaos reigned. All of my mistakes over the last few years were laid to me, transperant without any further ability to hide from them. All of the things I tried to bury, or excuse or say “tomorrow, I’ll get to that” could no longer be kicked down the road. It was here. And I was grateful.

Because it happened now during the new moon. It happened at the beginning of the year as I was struggling with my intentions for the year. It happened so that I can get to a plan to get back to me.

Veracity

Gather

Balance

Pleasure

Conspire

It is now the time to tame chaos.