com·pli·ance
/kəmˈplīəns/
noun
- 1.the action or fact of complying with a wish or command.
Compliance is not love.
Often, when the term “boundaries” is used in the common lexicon, what the person means is not boundaries, but compliance. They are upset that the person is not acting in accordance with his/her wishes.
Parents get upset at children for not following their commands.
Husbands are upset that their instructions weren’t met. Wives are frustrated that they have to repeat themselves over and over again and still there is no follow through on the action.
Yet, compliance is not love.
Just because someone follows orders does not represent love. We believe that if they only did the dishes, or folded the laundry, or turn over when tapped on the shoulder, it means they love us and more importantly, that they care for us.
Years ago, Matthew Fray wrote a fantastic article about the difference between following through on an action out of love and following through on an action out of compliance.
Because in life, we have to have a level of conformity to survive.
In our closest relationships, it is difficult to remember, and more importantly understand, that the person is a distinct being from us even if we gave birth to them. We follow social norms, cues from friends and family about what is acceptable behavior. In fact, it has been studied quite extensively in social psychology of why everyday people are willing to inflict horrible atrocities on their fellow humans. There are times when we have to comply for our own safety – RUN, DUCK, DON’T TOUCH THE STOVE!!! The act of complying often can save our lives, certain exceptions notwithstanding.
However in our most intimate relationships, we often want our partner, our children, our parents, our siblings to meld to our expectations. “If she loved me, she would…” “If he cared about me, he would…” “Why can’t my children…”
But compliance is not love.
How many people comply out of obligation, to avoid a fight, to not have to receive a lecture? Personally, several of my relationships that fell apart when I no longer complied out of obligation. These people, who claimed to love me, were upset when I no longer complied with whatever request they had of my time, my energy, and my actions. I often check myself to see if I am trying to get people to comply with my requests and frequently, I have to see that while I may want someone to take an action, they are not required to. I have to grant them the same autonomy I want for myself. This has meant taking a step back or voicing my wants.
Compliance, conformity, confirmation are all rooted in the same need for control. This need for control, especially of women in heterosexual relationships, is the basis of all arguments for submission of women to men.
For example, do you really want my opinion, or do you want confirmation that you are correct? Is that why you get upset when I disagree and offer a different opinion? If you come to trauma dump, did you get frustrated when I no longer allowed you to passively confirm your opinions and in fact offered my own take on the situation in which you could no longer center yourself as a victim?
While the focus of these thoughts are on intimate relationships, the idea of compliance has far larger consequences for society at large, especially during this time.
If you find yourself upset, frustrated, or angry because someone you love is not complying with your wishes ask yourself – do you want love or do you want control?
The Wanderer's Corner 