The Wanderer's Corner

Author: The Wanderer’s Corner

  • Let the Universe Handle It

    Let the Universe Handle It

    I wrote this to be used as a full moon ritual. I wanted something to do when you wanted revenge, but wanted to understand that inorder to not bring negative energy to us, we release it. We acknowledge that happened and do not pretend that we were not hurt.

    It will allow you to take an action rooted in self-love.

    Let us start with a deep breath. At whatever pace feels natural to you. Listen to your body as we have been letting go of anger, hurt, frustration, doubt and fear.

    If you can, sit outside on the ground. If you can’t, try to open a window. Reflect on the air. Take a moment to pause. What do you hear? What do you smell? What is behind your eyes.

    For millennia, the moon has been a grounding force. For women, our bodies move in sync with the moon. Our cycles that bring forth life often coincide directly with moon cycles. The tides of the moon connect with the tides in our bodies. We dance with the faeries in the moonlight and create offerings for protection and a new beginning when the cycle begins again.

    The cycles of the moon are a constant reminder that we are tied galaxies. That our small time here is a such a part of something we often forget to take the time to wonder what could be possible. The cycles remind us that we have purpose and time and that we too at times need to step away so we can come back full of light shining and bringing effects out of the darkness. It is also a reminder that the darkness is necessary to allow for reflection. The moon is a monthly reminder to us that if God makes the moon rest, why can’t we?

    A full moon brings release. Manifestation. Fertility. We create things in the new moon – moon water, charging and clearing our crystals.

    “For centuries, Black communities, especially those rooted in West African and diasporic traditions, have honored the moon’s cycles in ritual and daily life. Lunar energy shaped how our ancestors planted crops, set intentions, cleansed energy and called in protection. The new moon was a time for visioning. The full moon, a moment to release. These weren’t just traditions—they were practices of survival, healing and liberation. And they still are.” – Stephanie Long

    Let us create a space to acknowledge those who have offered destruction instead of support. Harm disguised as hope. Abuse instead of affirmations.

    Light a fire – a firepit, a fireplace, or even a candle.

    Write their names down. If you want to speak, you may do so.

    Today, we use the cleansing power of fire to extinguish the names of those who have wronged us.

    Under this full moon we release karmic wheel of justice to treat them with the same intention as they had when they did us harm. We wish them to manifest the life they deserve until they acknowledge and atone for the violence and destruction. Today, with this flame, may it light a path in them that reflects their own actions in their own lives until they have the courage to be different.

    My we call on God as we know them to remind us that in the letting go the battle becomes theirs and theirs alone. We do not need to seek retribution as it is already called forth in how they choose to live their lives. Tonight, we let go.

    As we release to the universe and the stars in the Milky Way, may we invite in something new. May this lunar energy allow us to become our own avengers. May we invite in the boundaries we need. May we invite in the people we need to walk with along this journey. May we invite in the safety we need so we can breathe out. May we invite in what we named when we decided to no longer be a martyr.

    May our prayer be of continued protection, not one of enduring to wait.

    Take a moment to pray, and say thank you for the ability to do this ritual.

    Now that we have given over the charge of justice to the universe, let us take care of ourselves.

    Water and the full moon go together like cornbread and collards. Some ideas are to take the mineral water and charge it. You can also put it outside your room to collect negative energy and then dump it far away. You can dance Shout. Move your body. Play music. Get back in the mineral water. Do something to ground yourself.

  • It’s Not a Race

    It’s Not a Race

    So why am I enduring? Is there even a finish line?

    I keep coming back to “Why am I here?” when everything in my body is screaming that this isn’t what you want.

    Screaming you aren’t happy.

    Screaming your physical and mental space is telling you over and over again that this isn’t where you are meant to be.

    But Black women are commended for enduring.

    We are held as champions for pushing through, not to an actual finish line, but for continuing to run on a Sisyphean road that never ends and always takes the long way around.

    There is no ribbon to break through to finally say, “we finished.”

    We never completed. We just endured.

    The world celebrated that we stayed, showed up, cared for, paid for, rode until we died and threw us parties for years as our bodies crumbled under the weight of endurance.

    I had to ask myself “Why?”

    It was because I didn’t want to be that woman. The one who cut everyone off without giving them a chance. The one who kept jumping ship and would have to explain on LinkedIn why the perception wasn’t the reality. Because I wanted to support my people and community.

    If I just held on a little longer it would turn around. They may see my worth. They may stop lying about me. They may finally include me.

    But it was really just people pleasing.

    A way to avoid the difficult conversations and avoid disappointment.

    Because how do you say no when it’s so easy to say yes, despite you not wanting to to say yes? How do you walk away when your gifts can benefit them, but you gain no reciprocity?

    Endure – suffer, tolerate, continue in the same state,
    “to remain in existence” without growth.

    What happens when I choose not to endure?
    When I choose to no longer remain in existence, but to thrive in a lived experience?

    Things do not fall apart.

    The world spins, even more dazzling than before.

    Boundaries set and enforced by me (because it’s not someone else’s job to enforce your boundaries).

    Yes, they may be disappointed. Yes, they may need to figure it out without me.

    But what I have found is not rooted in a need for me to suffer.

    It’s rooted in peace.

  • Follow the signs?

    In one of my favorite books, The Alchemist, one of the lessons is to “follow the signs.”

    But what happens when the signs are clear, but you don’t want to follow them?

    When the signs are blinking very clearly, bright red, to sunshine yellow, with enough lumens to make them impossible to ignore?

    When the recovery of being a people pleaser makes it difficult because you know in order to follow the signs, you are going to have to disappoint some people (gasp) and do the difficult work of actually engaging with emotions rather than just pretending that you are doing it for them.

    When you will have do it for you.

    Because the thing about signs is when you ignore them, danger happens. It takes you that much longer to get to your desitnation. You can damage your car/heart/soul.

    You ignore the signs at your own peril.

    Because the body, heart and soul remember. Understanding why Grandma had her “pressure up” and seeing why that cousin’s smile only ever reached her eyes when she was far away from the house.

    What happens when you can’t ignore the signs telling you to go left anymore because it means leaving behind. While the platitudes scream about “drop what’s not serving you” it is much harder to do when there are real people on the other side of the road less traveled.

    When you swallow the signpost and hope that it doesn’t come back up again. So you make keep smiling. But that signpost doesn’t digest well. It makes you uncomfortable. Everyone always ask you, what’s wrong and you say nothing. And now the alarms are going off and you smash them and even occassionally cut yourself on the shards, but the pain is minimal.

    What happens when you ignore the signs because of fear?

    What happens when you ignore the signs because they lead you to a life you never thought would happen for you? You have always had this vision of perfection and you realized life is messy and the idea of perfection is just a trap so you never have to try?

    And yet…

    You know you need to follow the signs. You ran of room to swallow, so you started burying in your backyard and are damned when they start to grow. Tall, overshadowing. Reminders that you can’t actually move off the path the universe. You trip over the overgrown roots because it is so overwhelming to continue to pretend that you aren’t walking underneath the shadows.

    All because you did not want to hurt people’s feelings the way they hurt yours. The way that they trampled over yours.

    The way that you wanted to feel like you were worthy just the one time of the same consideration.

    So you go shopping. At first you pick up up a small set of scissors. You start to weed the garden of the signs. You get clarity. You set a boundary. Instead of yes, you say “maybe we will see.” The signs glow in approval. You trade your scissors for garden shears. Nothing too crazy. People ask why do you have garden shears and tell you, you don’t need them. But your body remembers.

    You look at the small scar from where the shard cut you. Small but a memory.

    And you change the direction you walk in. Ever so slightly to the left. It’s a bit harder, but you realize that maybe it’s not so bad.

    And you trade your garden shears for a machete and all hell breaks loose. “Why???” people cry who used to have access to you. People who used you but never cared for you. But now you are prepared and the machete has cleared a path showing you the glow of what life looks like on the other side.

    And you upgrade again do a chainsaw. Now the work becomes effortless. Putting yourself first. Following your intuition. You no longer feel your pressure when you see that person’s name on your phone. You stopped making excuses.

    And you learned, follow the signs or perish at your peril.

  • Why Compliance Does Not Equal Love

    Why Compliance Does Not Equal Love

    com·pli·ance

    /kəmˈplīəns/

    noun

    1. 1.the action or fact of complying with a wish or command.

    Compliance is not love.

    Often, when the term “boundaries” is used in the common lexicon, what the person means is not boundaries, but compliance. They are upset that the person is not acting in accordance with his/her wishes.

    Parents get upset at children for not following their commands.

    Husbands are upset that their instructions weren’t met. Wives are frustrated that they have to repeat themselves over and over again and still there is no follow through on the action.

    Yet, compliance is not love.

    Just because someone follows orders does not represent love. We believe that if they only did the dishes, or folded the laundry, or turn over when tapped on the shoulder, it means they love us and more importantly, that they care for us.

    Years ago, Matthew Fray wrote a fantastic article about the difference between following through on an action out of love and following through on an action out of compliance.

    Because in life, we have to have a level of conformity to survive.

    In our closest relationships, it is difficult to remember, and more importantly understand, that the person is a distinct being from us even if we gave birth to them. We follow social norms, cues from friends and family about what is acceptable behavior. In fact, it has been studied quite extensively in social psychology of why everyday people are willing to inflict horrible atrocities on their fellow humans. There are times when we have to comply for our own safety – RUN, DUCK, DON’T TOUCH THE STOVE!!! The act of complying often can save our lives, certain exceptions notwithstanding.

    However in our most intimate relationships, we often want our partner, our children, our parents, our siblings to meld to our expectations. “If she loved me, she would…” “If he cared about me, he would…” “Why can’t my children…”

    But compliance is not love.

    How many people comply out of obligation, to avoid a fight, to not have to receive a lecture? Personally, several of my relationships that fell apart when I no longer complied out of obligation. These people, who claimed to love me, were upset when I no longer complied with whatever request they had of my time, my energy, and my actions. I often check myself to see if I am trying to get people to comply with my requests and frequently, I have to see that while I may want someone to take an action, they are not required to. I have to grant them the same autonomy I want for myself. This has meant taking a step back or voicing my wants.

    Compliance, conformity, confirmation are all rooted in the same need for control. This need for control, especially of women in heterosexual relationships, is the basis of all arguments for submission of women to men.

    For example, do you really want my opinion, or do you want confirmation that you are correct? Is that why you get upset when I disagree and offer a different opinion? If you come to trauma dump, did you get frustrated when I no longer allowed you to passively confirm your opinions and in fact offered my own take on the situation in which you could no longer center yourself as a victim?

    While the focus of these thoughts are on intimate relationships, the idea of compliance has far larger consequences for society at large, especially during this time.

    If you find yourself upset, frustrated, or angry because someone you love is not complying with your wishes ask yourself – do you want love or do you want control?

    Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

  • “Chaos and Bloodshed Are Not a Solution”

    “Chaos and Bloodshed Are Not a Solution”

    “Don’t let them lead you astray” – random townsperson in Hamilton, The Musical

    This year didn’t begin with bloodshed, but it did start with chaos. And then errupted into shambles. Without a solution. But I was going astray and felt under attack.

    I have an issue with focus. I know it’s due to my life-long battle with depression which has manifested itself sometimes mild, sometimes none and sometimes severe. I have worked out a methodology for how to stay motivated and on-task to be able to complete what I need to get done, but I realize that it requires me to have a place outside of my house to just separate church and state. And an organization I volunteer with graciously gave me a set of keys and office to borrow. And it was GLORIOUS. Until…

    The keys were lost. They were thrown away through carelessness (and someone who wouldn’t take responsibility for their actions). So I lost an anchor point. A point that was getting me to where I wanted to be in so many ways.
    And then…
    During a zoom call, I see the area code and “medical center” and I knew my father was hospitalized. Storms prevented me from an immediate trip down. I knew I was going to be a wreck. I haven’t been down to South Carolina in almost seven years since my great uncle transitioned. That’s another story.

    But I knew. I knew what was coming. As an only child, I grew up in this role and I am still an expert on making my marks and cues. But I was tired. The stage was familiar and I knew every inch of it. I could enter from stage right and hit my lines. Resonate my voice to elicit the right emotions.

    And so I prepared my lines and chaos reigned. All of my mistakes over the last few years were laid to me, transperant without any further ability to hide from them. All of the things I tried to bury, or excuse or say “tomorrow, I’ll get to that” could no longer be kicked down the road. It was here. And I was grateful.

    Because it happened now during the new moon. It happened at the beginning of the year as I was struggling with my intentions for the year. It happened so that I can get to a plan to get back to me.

    Veracity

    Gather

    Balance

    Pleasure

    Conspire

    It is now the time to tame chaos.

  • Love Myths: What Love Isn’t and What It Takes

    to be deeply loved
    by someone gives you
    strength
    but to love someone
    deeply gives you
    courage

    -Esther Huertas

    Because of my own relationship, I have been thinking a lot about love. Years ago, as I was exploring why I kept having failed relationships and doing the internal work to love myself first, I wrote myself a guide on how I wanted to be love. I also wrote how I think I wanted someone I was loving to feel. Now this is only related to eros love. Here is a quick primer on the different types of love.

    Love is impossible to define. So I use the inverse to define what it is not.

    Love is not fear. Love doesn’t mean taking an easier option because you are too scared to fail/be rejected/prove you don’t have the capacity

    Love is not coercion. If you have to ask your partner to do something that s/he has already stated they don’t want to do, then that’s not love. That’s selfishness.

    Love is not gaslighting. If you repeatedly tell your partner they aren’t enough in any capacity then why would you expect your partner to not believe you?

    Love is not letting your partner drown because you don’t believe they are “worth it”

    Love is not demanding all of your partners attention and then wondering why you aren’t close when they have shut down

    Love is not attraction. Just because you are attracted to someone, doesn’t mean you love them. It doesn’t mean that they also are required to be attracted to you. If you constantly put your needs over someone else’s, why should they be in any way sexually attracted to you?

    Most importantly, love is not a noun. Love is verb. It requires intention, action, engagement and payment of your time. If you don’t put in the work, love will die.

  • Wandering…

    Most of my life, I have been some form of wander/wonder. My very first AOL name has a reference to Stevie Wonder. Looking back, I realize it’s because I have always been someone who questions.

    Today, I call myself the wanderer because I realize I move through life knowing with certainty that the universe is conspiring for my good and for my purpose. I also know that this it the hardest thing to believe so I still am impacted by fear and doubt. Although mostly fear and more recently lack of any emotional reserve.

    It’s been questioned if I actually do wander. There are those who see me and my decisions and determine, I must have had a linear path. I must have had a long-term plan that I put into action from my last decision. And that is not the case. While I am not flaky, I do move in a manner that relies a lot on my intuition, prayer and possibilities.

    And because I’m a Libra, my wandering is held with a sense of pragmaticism. I don’t pretend that I don’t have a tendency for depression and anxiety. I also don’t pretend that I hold all the answers and work to find those that can help me. I don’t expect help for free either. I don’t believe that I am entitled to anything from anyone despite our previous relationship.

    But Wanderer I am and wander I must.