The Wanderer's Corner

Author: The Wanderer’s Corner

  • Unprotected

    Reposted from our sister site – https://poetictigress.com/2017/07/06/unprotected/

    Definition of vulnerable

    :  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

    This essay birthed itself from the universe. In the last few months, I have been talking about vulnerability non-stop. I have had more discussions on what it means, making spaces for it in romantic relationships and reading articles like this one about what men need most in a relationship.

    I have been thinking about it in my professional relationships and what it means with regards to my family and friends. Yet, it hasn’t felt overwhelming. It has made me feel like I really need to spend some time with myself and I have. I’ve spent time alone with my journal. Cleansed my space. Done cleansing meditations for my spirit. I have prayed. This essay has been a process that has helped me get to something that is never going to be resolved with a singular post. Even writing this post over the last few months has been complex. I used to think that vulnerability meant only about opening yourself up to someone else. I now also understand that it means making a space for someone inside of you as well. It is so easy for me to sit and allow others to share themselves with me. I listen. I hold. I comfort. I reflect. I absorb.

    But…It is still extremely hard for me to share my story with others. I ask myself – Can I trust you to carry it? Will you judge me? Will you think it is too much? Too all over the place. Too many layers. Too many sides. As I observe myself, in any given moment, I can go from listening to Spice Girls and dancing to sitting down to Coltrane writing this essay. It took me 39 years and counting to be able to accept all of this about me. How can I trust someone else to carry it within a matter of months if at all? I KNOW me so I know that you are safe with me. I have tried to hand over parts of my burden to someone. Yet, they weren’t ready because it was forced.

    I know that now.The enemy tricks us. Tells us that we should be ashamed of our past. That no one will love us if they know all of our scars. That they will go running from the hills. Brené Brown talks about this in the course of her TED talk. I realized some of what was holding me back was shame. Shame that I was the one who allowed herself to be put in life-altering situations where I “should have known better.” Even some of the lectures by people who purport to love me, but when I needed their support made it all about them. I had to learn to let go of the shame because ultimately, every single thing that happened in my past, happened and is unchangeable. It is now a part of my journey and an intrinsic part of who I am. It is part of the path that allowed me to get to where I am. 

    “Nothing about our lives or about this world will ever change without our willingness to be relentlessly honest. Especially about our past. Especially about our present. Especially when accepting the truth means that it’s time to let something go.” – Chani Nicholas

    I also realize that vulnerability is trusting someone to be who they say that they are, but never ignoring your gut or those red flags. Even when your gut is giving conflicting messages, trust yourself that what is meant for us will flow to us. Trust in the protection power of God/The Universe and that those who mean us harm be removed from our life.The hardest lesson in learning to be more vulnerable is the need to give up control. I have literally told myself “Stop. Right now. You have to remove your will from this and let what is supposed to happen, happen.” 

    Releasing control does not mean inaction. It means preparing ourselves so that what seeks us, when it finds us, we are ready for it. It means that trusting sometimes what we want, is not what we need.In past relationships, I did not know how to create vulnerability. And yet, I never needed to. I dated emotionally stunted men who had no idea what vulnerability meant, let alone how to express it. That led to various situations which I was ashamed of speaking about in public. It was a long road to get to the point of where I am now. Where I find and seek men who value me and cherish me in a healthy non-toxic way. Where I understand my own sense of self and want someone to help me expand it, not hinder it.

    Now, I am intentionally seeking that when I find a partner, he and I create a space for each other. He and I create places in our lives, in our active consciousness, that exist for the purpose of providing peace and protection from the outside world.I started with the definition of vulnerability above. I think to the word capable. Capable means there is a potential, but not that it is a surety. Let’s operate on the side of the absolute transformation that vulnerability can provide to us that while there is a possibility, the life we seek is on the side of an unobstructed pathway to our truest self. 

  • Finding a Shovel

    Finding a Shovel

    I looked up the definition of overwhelmed –

    “bury or drown beneath a huge mass.”

    and to say I screamed at the laptop “You don’t know my life” is an understatement as I think about the mountains in my life – unfolded laundry, emails to send, blogs to write, dashboards to complete, runs to schedule and on it goes.

    When we discuss procrastination, it is always discussed as some failing. As if we enjoy the moments and hours that waste away when we know if we pulled on our big girl drawers and cranked it out, it would get done. Or that we are afraid of failing. Or we don’t know how to schedule tasks. And yes, that may be true. But as I have gotten older and realized more about the impacts of depression and anxiety on my performance, I realize that I never knew how to deal with being buried beneath the mass of how daunting it can seem. Like there is never another side to get to.

    The first step was acknowledgement. That I actually was overwhelmed. The second step was trying to figure out how to fight inertia and so I started asking myself

    “What is the smallest task I can do to simply get started?”

    And so now when I have a huge task that feels like it too much of something, I look for a shovel. I use that shovel break it down in to the smallest, simplest steps I can. My shovel may be time. For example, when folding laundry, it may simply be I will fold all the clothes I can while the next two songs play. My shovel for a complex analysis at work it may be – 1) open the Excel spreadsheet 2) label the columns 3) label the rows and so on.

    Because we create these grand, huge challenges in our head and everything is always a series of step after step Every single computer program, regardless of complexity, can be traced back to a series of 0s and 1s.

    Because the challenge in procrastination is not that you are a loser, it’s not that you don’t have self control, or discipline.

    It could simply be you need to find the right size shovel to dig your way out.

  • Holding On

    This is a story of my family. I have a relative that has held a grudge against certain members of my family for almost her entire life. She is in her 70s now and has held this grudge for more than 50 years. It has caused her to lie, cheat, and steal and that is not an exaggeration. All the while claiming to be a woman of Christian faith.

    Right now, it is motivating her to an act of erasing more than 120 years of Black family history. History tied to land. In South Carolina. History of relatives not that far removed from slavery. History of surviving Jim Crow.

    I was livid. I hated her. I hated my relatives for not doing more to protect the land even while knowing her true nature. I was ashamed of myself for my own financial mistakes and not being able to step in (a story I will share when I stop being ashamed of its telling).

    But then I prayed and but God. And remembered that God never fails.

    I began to feel the utmost sorrow for her. I began to pray that she can heal her heart after holding on to bitterness for so so long. I prayed that her legacy to her nuclear family doesn’t become one of greed and lies, but one of agape love and history.

    I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be able to forgive and hold on to vengeance for so long. What did she miss out on in her life because she was so focused on exacting her revenge? What decisions do you make in your life when it is all about retaliation while trying to keep up appearances that you kind and selfless? I have been wronged and violated in many ways (again stories I will share for later). I forgave not to forget what happened, but to allow myself the space to live my life with the purpose that God has directed for me. I forgive so I can let go of the physical reaction when I see their name, but to not forget the nature evil and those who wallow in deception. Forgiveness so that I do not block further blessings in my life by worrying about what happened yesterday, but not to forget the warning signs that come across my path.

    Letting go of the hurt, shame and anger has been freeing. It has freed me to focus on how to prevent situations in the future. It has freed me to focus on my own purpose.

    Today, I let go.

    Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

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  • What is The Wanderer’s Corner?

    Let’s start with some honesty – I do not know what The Wanderer’s Corner is – yet.

    I can say that it will be a journey and give you some background on why I decided to create this passion project.

    For several years I have been doing workshops, webinars, coaching groups, coaching individuals and lots of people on lots of different areas of their lives. Fundamentally I am good at three things – analyzing problems, thinking of solutions to solving problems and then connecting people to other resources to solve those problems.

    Previously, I tried to start a site focused on just career coaching called Amendment Nine. I’ve turned Amendment Nine just into my consulting and coaching business. However that felt too stifling. I love to delve in to lots of different areas and I am full of ideas. During a session with my therapist, he helped me to see that I create joy in my life by helping others recognize their own power simply by being present in a way that fits their journey. I actually really fought with myself over it because there are so many people who have huge followings who write words, sayings, etc. that I love. They create in a way that I wish I could. But I feel like I’ve been called to do this even if it is just for myself and so here I am.

    So The Wanderer’s Corner will be the culmination of those things. I can promise that it may feel random so I will try to organize it as much as possible. I can also tell you that for me, this platform will be used to talk about a lot of different topics and create an opportunity for me to think through some ideas I have that are still seedlings.

    The name of this site was a pure example of the universe conspiring. A game streamer saw my name in the chat – doyouwonderasyouwander (itself taken from Langston Hughes’ book) and and I was discussing my former business name and how it changed and he threw out very casually oh, I bet it’s called the Wanderer’s Corner. As it so happens, I was looking for names for my new business and this fit.

    Thank you for allowing me the space in your life. I hope that I can honor that in a very small way.

  • You Are Great, Your Resume Is Not

    You Are Great, Your Resume Is Not

    By my own count, I have read well over 1,000 resumes and probably closer to 2,000. Without an analytical study, I would say only 15% of those resumes were resumes that screamed a loud “YES, hire me for this job!” Probably another 30% were just mediocre and I would estimate that a full 50% actively worked against the candidate.

    I am asked all the time what makes a good resume. The short answer is a resume should scream – “Yes, pick me, pick me.” It should clearly show your qualifications for a position. A good resume should have clear easy to read bullets or paragraphs that make sense to someone who has never met you. A great resume should list accomplishments and what you have done at your previous positions using the method of “showing, not telling.” A good resume incorporates quantitative, measurable results. The general rule of thumb is less than 10 years of experience is less than a page and 10+ years can work up to two pages. There are some specialized cases, e.g. Federal, highly technical, where longer resumes are acceptable.

    Even if your resume is scanned by a computer, there are some tips you can use because at some point a human will lay eyes on it.

    1. Grammar / Spelling  / Typos – Have at least three people, who are careful and detailed, read your resume. This works even better if the people reviewing your resume do not know you because they are less likely to “fill in the gap.” Your resume cannot contain any grammar errors, spelling mistakes or typos. If am reviewing a resume, depending on the egregiousness of the error, I will forgive a single error because we make mistakes. However, if your resume contains multiple typos, all you are doing is signaling sloppiness and laziness to the hiring manager and sending them on to the next candidate.

    2. Unintelligible bullets – A person must be able to understand each bullet and/or sentence on your resume as a stand alone sentence. For example, do you know what this means? “sell multiple digital and online solutions for clients” Neither do I. What were the exact solutions? What were the results? How many clients? What’s the difference between digital and online? A better phrasing would be – “Sell B2B customer relationship management software for more than 10 clients resulting in $32,000 in additional revenue.”

    3. Misuse of verbs – Actions in the past should use past tense verbs. Sounds very easy, but it is not. Again, this is where a review of your resume would comes in handy to make sure that your verbs are aligned in tense. If verbs are not in agreement, it makes it hard to read and understand.

    4. Descriptions that are overly generic – You are a hard worker. Great so is everyone else. What does that even mean? People remember and notice specific details. Tell me you lead a team of four people across three time-zones, not that you lead international teams.

    5. Combining multiple formats – If someone is reviewing your resume, either in person or online, they will spend less than a minute reading it. Make sure it is easy to follow by ensuring your format is simple and consistent. This includes small things like making sure you are using one font for your resume. Also make sure if you are using bullets they are all aligned. Generally speaking, bullets are easier to scan and digest for the reader than a paragraph. However, there are ways to incorporate both depending on the specific requirements for your professional experience.

    6. Not using a cover letter – While some positions require a cover letter, if I am applying for a job that I really want, I ALWAYS write a cover letter. The majority of candidates online will not use a cover letter, even if the position application specifically requests one. Also if any of the following apply to you, you should definitely use a cover letter to explain your qualifications and transferable skills:

    • Switching industries or functions
    • Leveling up (explain why you think you can perform a higher level)
    • Other significant change from what your resume explains

    7. Not customizing your resume – It is absolutely critical to customize, at least partially, your resume for each position. Or if you are working full-time and trying to job hunt, have at least three versions of your resume that you can use for positions. One easy way if you are applying for a position that might use a computer scanner is to update your resume with the language used in the job posting/description. When doing this you should never lie or exaggerate your experience. However, switching verbs such as “Managed three analysts” for “Supervised three analysts” is fair game if the job description uses the word supervised. In certain industries, e.g.Federal Government jobs, there are certain requirements that are necessary for a resume. Before applying, consult with an industry expert to make sure your resume meets minimum expectations.

    If this post was helpful, please share it with a friend and leave a comment!

  • The One Thing You Can Do Now That Will Advance Your Career Almost Immediately

    The One Thing You Can Do Now That Will Advance Your Career Almost Immediately

    Do you know there is one tip that is guaranteed to help you advance your career? Do you know that it doesn’t require much effort either, but almost no one uses it.

    It is simply – ask for feedback.

    Let’s discuss feedback for a minute. For the majority of us, we get lackadaisical performance reviews once or twice a year that don’t really offer any insight into our performance. At best, they are mediocre yardsticks and at worst the potential for politics run amok.

    But, if you want to push ahead to the next level you have to ask for feedback regularly and proactively. You can’t adjust your behavior if you don’t know what adjustments you need to make. Also, feedback discussions, if you have a good manager, allow you to build rapport with your manager and your team.

     

    Below is an action plan to get you started.

    1.Learn how to ask for feedback

    The first step in using feedback, is to know how and when to ask for it. People who have studied organizations or even animal behavior (Thanks Pavlov!) know that feedback needs to be timely to be useful. The worst thing ever is finding out months or years later that something you did, which could have been corrected,

    2.Open yourself up to criticism

    We all know that one person. The person who asks you for your “honest opinion,” but then fights when you tell them something they don’t want to hear. Don’t be that person. If you ask for feedback, the first step is you have to be open to receive it. Our automatic response is to get defensive, but the first thing to remember is that most feedback isn’t personal.

    3. Learn how to give feedback

    There is an art to giving feedback. Part of the corollary to #1 is that not everyone knows how to give feedback that is useful to the person receiving it. Some folks browbeat you, some folks make it personal and some aren’t specific enough. Before you give anyone feedback, know what outcome you would like to achieve. This will help you structure the conversation.

    4. Create an action plan for how you will use feedback

    Feedback is useless to you if you don’t act upon it. After you have received your feedback session, create an action plan for how you will incorporate it to make changes. Ideally this should be done with your manager so that you can create action items that you can measure your progress against.

    Feedback is the most useful tool you aren’t currently using.