The Wanderer's Corner

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  • Why Compliance Does Not Equal Love

    Why Compliance Does Not Equal Love

    com·pli·ance

    /kəmˈplīəns/

    noun

    1. 1.the action or fact of complying with a wish or command.

    Compliance is not love.

    Often, when the term “boundaries” is used in the common lexicon, what the person means is not boundaries, but compliance. They are upset that the person is not acting in accordance with his/her wishes.

    Parents get upset at children for not following their commands.

    Husbands are upset that their instructions weren’t met. Wives are frustrated that they have to repeat themselves over and over again and still there is no follow through on the action.

    Yet, compliance is not love.

    Just because someone follows orders does not represent love. We believe that if they only did the dishes, or folded the laundry, or turn over when tapped on the shoulder, it means they love us and more importantly, that they care for us.

    Years ago, Matthew Fray wrote a fantastic article about the difference between following through on an action out of love and following through on an action out of compliance.

    Because in life, we have to have a level of conformity to survive.

    In our closest relationships, it is difficult to remember, and more importantly understand, that the person is a distinct being from us even if we gave birth to them. We follow social norms, cues from friends and family about what is acceptable behavior. In fact, it has been studied quite extensively in social psychology of why everyday people are willing to inflict horrible atrocities on their fellow humans. There are times when we have to comply for our own safety – RUN, DUCK, DON’T TOUCH THE STOVE!!! The act of complying often can save our lives, certain exceptions notwithstanding.

    However in our most intimate relationships, we often want our partner, our children, our parents, our siblings to meld to our expectations. “If she loved me, she would…” “If he cared about me, he would…” “Why can’t my children…”

    But compliance is not love.

    How many people comply out of obligation, to avoid a fight, to not have to receive a lecture? Personally, several of my relationships that fell apart when I no longer complied out of obligation. These people, who claimed to love me, were upset when I no longer complied with whatever request they had of my time, my energy, and my actions. I often check myself to see if I am trying to get people to comply with my requests and frequently, I have to see that while I may want someone to take an action, they are not required to. I have to grant them the same autonomy I want for myself. This has meant taking a step back or voicing my wants.

    Compliance, conformity, confirmation are all rooted in the same need for control. This need for control, especially of women in heterosexual relationships, is the basis of all arguments for submission of women to men.

    For example, do you really want my opinion, or do you want confirmation that you are correct? Is that why you get upset when I disagree and offer a different opinion? If you come to trauma dump, did you get frustrated when I no longer allowed you to passively confirm your opinions and in fact offered my own take on the situation in which you could no longer center yourself as a victim?

    While the focus of these thoughts are on intimate relationships, the idea of compliance has far larger consequences for society at large, especially during this time.

    If you find yourself upset, frustrated, or angry because someone you love is not complying with your wishes ask yourself – do you want love or do you want control?

    Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

  • “Chaos and Bloodshed Are Not a Solution”

    “Chaos and Bloodshed Are Not a Solution”

    “Don’t let them lead you astray” – random townsperson in Hamilton, The Musical

    This year didn’t begin with bloodshed, but it did start with chaos. And then errupted into shambles. Without a solution. But I was going astray and felt under attack.

    I have an issue with focus. I know it’s due to my life-long battle with depression which has manifested itself sometimes mild, sometimes none and sometimes severe. I have worked out a methodology for how to stay motivated and on-task to be able to complete what I need to get done, but I realize that it requires me to have a place outside of my house to just separate church and state. And an organization I volunteer with graciously gave me a set of keys and office to borrow. And it was GLORIOUS. Until…

    The keys were lost. They were thrown away through carelessness (and someone who wouldn’t take responsibility for their actions). So I lost an anchor point. A point that was getting me to where I wanted to be in so many ways.
    And then…
    During a zoom call, I see the area code and “medical center” and I knew my father was hospitalized. Storms prevented me from an immediate trip down. I knew I was going to be a wreck. I haven’t been down to South Carolina in almost seven years since my great uncle transitioned. That’s another story.

    But I knew. I knew what was coming. As an only child, I grew up in this role and I am still an expert on making my marks and cues. But I was tired. The stage was familiar and I knew every inch of it. I could enter from stage right and hit my lines. Resonate my voice to elicit the right emotions.

    And so I prepared my lines and chaos reigned. All of my mistakes over the last few years were laid to me, transperant without any further ability to hide from them. All of the things I tried to bury, or excuse or say “tomorrow, I’ll get to that” could no longer be kicked down the road. It was here. And I was grateful.

    Because it happened now during the new moon. It happened at the beginning of the year as I was struggling with my intentions for the year. It happened so that I can get to a plan to get back to me.

    Veracity

    Gather

    Balance

    Pleasure

    Conspire

    It is now the time to tame chaos.

  • Love Myths: What Love Isn’t and What It Takes

    to be deeply loved
    by someone gives you
    strength
    but to love someone
    deeply gives you
    courage

    -Esther Huertas

    Because of my own relationship, I have been thinking a lot about love. Years ago, as I was exploring why I kept having failed relationships and doing the internal work to love myself first, I wrote myself a guide on how I wanted to be love. I also wrote how I think I wanted someone I was loving to feel. Now this is only related to eros love. Here is a quick primer on the different types of love.

    Love is impossible to define. So I use the inverse to define what it is not.

    Love is not fear. Love doesn’t mean taking an easier option because you are too scared to fail/be rejected/prove you don’t have the capacity

    Love is not coercion. If you have to ask your partner to do something that s/he has already stated they don’t want to do, then that’s not love. That’s selfishness.

    Love is not gaslighting. If you repeatedly tell your partner they aren’t enough in any capacity then why would you expect your partner to not believe you?

    Love is not letting your partner drown because you don’t believe they are “worth it”

    Love is not demanding all of your partners attention and then wondering why you aren’t close when they have shut down

    Love is not attraction. Just because you are attracted to someone, doesn’t mean you love them. It doesn’t mean that they also are required to be attracted to you. If you constantly put your needs over someone else’s, why should they be in any way sexually attracted to you?

    Most importantly, love is not a noun. Love is verb. It requires intention, action, engagement and payment of your time. If you don’t put in the work, love will die.

  • Wandering…

    Most of my life, I have been some form of wander/wonder. My very first AOL name has a reference to Stevie Wonder. Looking back, I realize it’s because I have always been someone who questions.

    Today, I call myself the wanderer because I realize I move through life knowing with certainty that the universe is conspiring for my good and for my purpose. I also know that this it the hardest thing to believe so I still am impacted by fear and doubt. Although mostly fear and more recently lack of any emotional reserve.

    It’s been questioned if I actually do wander. There are those who see me and my decisions and determine, I must have had a linear path. I must have had a long-term plan that I put into action from my last decision. And that is not the case. While I am not flaky, I do move in a manner that relies a lot on my intuition, prayer and possibilities.

    And because I’m a Libra, my wandering is held with a sense of pragmaticism. I don’t pretend that I don’t have a tendency for depression and anxiety. I also don’t pretend that I hold all the answers and work to find those that can help me. I don’t expect help for free either. I don’t believe that I am entitled to anything from anyone despite our previous relationship.

    But Wanderer I am and wander I must.

  • Unprotected

    Reposted from our sister site – https://poetictigress.com/2017/07/06/unprotected/

    Definition of vulnerable

    :  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

    This essay birthed itself from the universe. In the last few months, I have been talking about vulnerability non-stop. I have had more discussions on what it means, making spaces for it in romantic relationships and reading articles like this one about what men need most in a relationship.

    I have been thinking about it in my professional relationships and what it means with regards to my family and friends. Yet, it hasn’t felt overwhelming. It has made me feel like I really need to spend some time with myself and I have. I’ve spent time alone with my journal. Cleansed my space. Done cleansing meditations for my spirit. I have prayed. This essay has been a process that has helped me get to something that is never going to be resolved with a singular post. Even writing this post over the last few months has been complex. I used to think that vulnerability meant only about opening yourself up to someone else. I now also understand that it means making a space for someone inside of you as well. It is so easy for me to sit and allow others to share themselves with me. I listen. I hold. I comfort. I reflect. I absorb.

    But…It is still extremely hard for me to share my story with others. I ask myself – Can I trust you to carry it? Will you judge me? Will you think it is too much? Too all over the place. Too many layers. Too many sides. As I observe myself, in any given moment, I can go from listening to Spice Girls and dancing to sitting down to Coltrane writing this essay. It took me 39 years and counting to be able to accept all of this about me. How can I trust someone else to carry it within a matter of months if at all? I KNOW me so I know that you are safe with me. I have tried to hand over parts of my burden to someone. Yet, they weren’t ready because it was forced.

    I know that now.The enemy tricks us. Tells us that we should be ashamed of our past. That no one will love us if they know all of our scars. That they will go running from the hills. Brené Brown talks about this in the course of her TED talk. I realized some of what was holding me back was shame. Shame that I was the one who allowed herself to be put in life-altering situations where I “should have known better.” Even some of the lectures by people who purport to love me, but when I needed their support made it all about them. I had to learn to let go of the shame because ultimately, every single thing that happened in my past, happened and is unchangeable. It is now a part of my journey and an intrinsic part of who I am. It is part of the path that allowed me to get to where I am. 

    “Nothing about our lives or about this world will ever change without our willingness to be relentlessly honest. Especially about our past. Especially about our present. Especially when accepting the truth means that it’s time to let something go.” – Chani Nicholas

    I also realize that vulnerability is trusting someone to be who they say that they are, but never ignoring your gut or those red flags. Even when your gut is giving conflicting messages, trust yourself that what is meant for us will flow to us. Trust in the protection power of God/The Universe and that those who mean us harm be removed from our life.The hardest lesson in learning to be more vulnerable is the need to give up control. I have literally told myself “Stop. Right now. You have to remove your will from this and let what is supposed to happen, happen.” 

    Releasing control does not mean inaction. It means preparing ourselves so that what seeks us, when it finds us, we are ready for it. It means that trusting sometimes what we want, is not what we need.In past relationships, I did not know how to create vulnerability. And yet, I never needed to. I dated emotionally stunted men who had no idea what vulnerability meant, let alone how to express it. That led to various situations which I was ashamed of speaking about in public. It was a long road to get to the point of where I am now. Where I find and seek men who value me and cherish me in a healthy non-toxic way. Where I understand my own sense of self and want someone to help me expand it, not hinder it.

    Now, I am intentionally seeking that when I find a partner, he and I create a space for each other. He and I create places in our lives, in our active consciousness, that exist for the purpose of providing peace and protection from the outside world.I started with the definition of vulnerability above. I think to the word capable. Capable means there is a potential, but not that it is a surety. Let’s operate on the side of the absolute transformation that vulnerability can provide to us that while there is a possibility, the life we seek is on the side of an unobstructed pathway to our truest self. 

  • Finding a Shovel

    Finding a Shovel

    I looked up the definition of overwhelmed –

    “bury or drown beneath a huge mass.”

    and to say I screamed at the laptop “You don’t know my life” is an understatement as I think about the mountains in my life – unfolded laundry, emails to send, blogs to write, dashboards to complete, runs to schedule and on it goes.

    When we discuss procrastination, it is always discussed as some failing. As if we enjoy the moments and hours that waste away when we know if we pulled on our big girl drawers and cranked it out, it would get done. Or that we are afraid of failing. Or we don’t know how to schedule tasks. And yes, that may be true. But as I have gotten older and realized more about the impacts of depression and anxiety on my performance, I realize that I never knew how to deal with being buried beneath the mass of how daunting it can seem. Like there is never another side to get to.

    The first step was acknowledgement. That I actually was overwhelmed. The second step was trying to figure out how to fight inertia and so I started asking myself

    “What is the smallest task I can do to simply get started?”

    And so now when I have a huge task that feels like it too much of something, I look for a shovel. I use that shovel break it down in to the smallest, simplest steps I can. My shovel may be time. For example, when folding laundry, it may simply be I will fold all the clothes I can while the next two songs play. My shovel for a complex analysis at work it may be – 1) open the Excel spreadsheet 2) label the columns 3) label the rows and so on.

    Because we create these grand, huge challenges in our head and everything is always a series of step after step Every single computer program, regardless of complexity, can be traced back to a series of 0s and 1s.

    Because the challenge in procrastination is not that you are a loser, it’s not that you don’t have self control, or discipline.

    It could simply be you need to find the right size shovel to dig your way out.

  • Holding On

    This is a story of my family. I have a relative that has held a grudge against certain members of my family for almost her entire life. She is in her 70s now and has held this grudge for more than 50 years. It has caused her to lie, cheat, and steal and that is not an exaggeration. All the while claiming to be a woman of Christian faith.

    Right now, it is motivating her to an act of erasing more than 120 years of Black family history. History tied to land. In South Carolina. History of relatives not that far removed from slavery. History of surviving Jim Crow.

    I was livid. I hated her. I hated my relatives for not doing more to protect the land even while knowing her true nature. I was ashamed of myself for my own financial mistakes and not being able to step in (a story I will share when I stop being ashamed of its telling).

    But then I prayed and but God. And remembered that God never fails.

    I began to feel the utmost sorrow for her. I began to pray that she can heal her heart after holding on to bitterness for so so long. I prayed that her legacy to her nuclear family doesn’t become one of greed and lies, but one of agape love and history.

    I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be able to forgive and hold on to vengeance for so long. What did she miss out on in her life because she was so focused on exacting her revenge? What decisions do you make in your life when it is all about retaliation while trying to keep up appearances that you kind and selfless? I have been wronged and violated in many ways (again stories I will share for later). I forgave not to forget what happened, but to allow myself the space to live my life with the purpose that God has directed for me. I forgive so I can let go of the physical reaction when I see their name, but to not forget the nature evil and those who wallow in deception. Forgiveness so that I do not block further blessings in my life by worrying about what happened yesterday, but not to forget the warning signs that come across my path.

    Letting go of the hurt, shame and anger has been freeing. It has freed me to focus on how to prevent situations in the future. It has freed me to focus on my own purpose.

    Today, I let go.

    Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash