The Wanderer's Corner

Category: Uncategorized

  • Love Myths: What Love Isn’t and What It Takes

    to be deeply loved
    by someone gives you
    strength
    but to love someone
    deeply gives you
    courage

    -Esther Huertas

    Because of my own relationship, I have been thinking a lot about love. Years ago, as I was exploring why I kept having failed relationships and doing the internal work to love myself first, I wrote myself a guide on how I wanted to be love. I also wrote how I think I wanted someone I was loving to feel. Now this is only related to eros love. Here is a quick primer on the different types of love.

    Love is impossible to define. So I use the inverse to define what it is not.

    Love is not fear. Love doesn’t mean taking an easier option because you are too scared to fail/be rejected/prove you don’t have the capacity

    Love is not coercion. If you have to ask your partner to do something that s/he has already stated they don’t want to do, then that’s not love. That’s selfishness.

    Love is not gaslighting. If you repeatedly tell your partner they aren’t enough in any capacity then why would you expect your partner to not believe you?

    Love is not letting your partner drown because you don’t believe they are “worth it”

    Love is not demanding all of your partners attention and then wondering why you aren’t close when they have shut down

    Love is not attraction. Just because you are attracted to someone, doesn’t mean you love them. It doesn’t mean that they also are required to be attracted to you. If you constantly put your needs over someone else’s, why should they be in any way sexually attracted to you?

    Most importantly, love is not a noun. Love is verb. It requires intention, action, engagement and payment of your time. If you don’t put in the work, love will die.

  • Wandering…

    Most of my life, I have been some form of wander/wonder. My very first AOL name has a reference to Stevie Wonder. Looking back, I realize it’s because I have always been someone who questions.

    Today, I call myself the wanderer because I realize I move through life knowing with certainty that the universe is conspiring for my good and for my purpose. I also know that this it the hardest thing to believe so I still am impacted by fear and doubt. Although mostly fear and more recently lack of any emotional reserve.

    It’s been questioned if I actually do wander. There are those who see me and my decisions and determine, I must have had a linear path. I must have had a long-term plan that I put into action from my last decision. And that is not the case. While I am not flaky, I do move in a manner that relies a lot on my intuition, prayer and possibilities.

    And because I’m a Libra, my wandering is held with a sense of pragmaticism. I don’t pretend that I don’t have a tendency for depression and anxiety. I also don’t pretend that I hold all the answers and work to find those that can help me. I don’t expect help for free either. I don’t believe that I am entitled to anything from anyone despite our previous relationship.

    But Wanderer I am and wander I must.

  • Unprotected

    Reposted from our sister site – https://poetictigress.com/2017/07/06/unprotected/

    Definition of vulnerable

    :  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

    This essay birthed itself from the universe. In the last few months, I have been talking about vulnerability non-stop. I have had more discussions on what it means, making spaces for it in romantic relationships and reading articles like this one about what men need most in a relationship.

    I have been thinking about it in my professional relationships and what it means with regards to my family and friends. Yet, it hasn’t felt overwhelming. It has made me feel like I really need to spend some time with myself and I have. I’ve spent time alone with my journal. Cleansed my space. Done cleansing meditations for my spirit. I have prayed. This essay has been a process that has helped me get to something that is never going to be resolved with a singular post. Even writing this post over the last few months has been complex. I used to think that vulnerability meant only about opening yourself up to someone else. I now also understand that it means making a space for someone inside of you as well. It is so easy for me to sit and allow others to share themselves with me. I listen. I hold. I comfort. I reflect. I absorb.

    But…It is still extremely hard for me to share my story with others. I ask myself – Can I trust you to carry it? Will you judge me? Will you think it is too much? Too all over the place. Too many layers. Too many sides. As I observe myself, in any given moment, I can go from listening to Spice Girls and dancing to sitting down to Coltrane writing this essay. It took me 39 years and counting to be able to accept all of this about me. How can I trust someone else to carry it within a matter of months if at all? I KNOW me so I know that you are safe with me. I have tried to hand over parts of my burden to someone. Yet, they weren’t ready because it was forced.

    I know that now.The enemy tricks us. Tells us that we should be ashamed of our past. That no one will love us if they know all of our scars. That they will go running from the hills. Brené Brown talks about this in the course of her TED talk. I realized some of what was holding me back was shame. Shame that I was the one who allowed herself to be put in life-altering situations where I “should have known better.” Even some of the lectures by people who purport to love me, but when I needed their support made it all about them. I had to learn to let go of the shame because ultimately, every single thing that happened in my past, happened and is unchangeable. It is now a part of my journey and an intrinsic part of who I am. It is part of the path that allowed me to get to where I am. 

    “Nothing about our lives or about this world will ever change without our willingness to be relentlessly honest. Especially about our past. Especially about our present. Especially when accepting the truth means that it’s time to let something go.” – Chani Nicholas

    I also realize that vulnerability is trusting someone to be who they say that they are, but never ignoring your gut or those red flags. Even when your gut is giving conflicting messages, trust yourself that what is meant for us will flow to us. Trust in the protection power of God/The Universe and that those who mean us harm be removed from our life.The hardest lesson in learning to be more vulnerable is the need to give up control. I have literally told myself “Stop. Right now. You have to remove your will from this and let what is supposed to happen, happen.” 

    Releasing control does not mean inaction. It means preparing ourselves so that what seeks us, when it finds us, we are ready for it. It means that trusting sometimes what we want, is not what we need.In past relationships, I did not know how to create vulnerability. And yet, I never needed to. I dated emotionally stunted men who had no idea what vulnerability meant, let alone how to express it. That led to various situations which I was ashamed of speaking about in public. It was a long road to get to the point of where I am now. Where I find and seek men who value me and cherish me in a healthy non-toxic way. Where I understand my own sense of self and want someone to help me expand it, not hinder it.

    Now, I am intentionally seeking that when I find a partner, he and I create a space for each other. He and I create places in our lives, in our active consciousness, that exist for the purpose of providing peace and protection from the outside world.I started with the definition of vulnerability above. I think to the word capable. Capable means there is a potential, but not that it is a surety. Let’s operate on the side of the absolute transformation that vulnerability can provide to us that while there is a possibility, the life we seek is on the side of an unobstructed pathway to our truest self. 

  • Holding On

    This is a story of my family. I have a relative that has held a grudge against certain members of my family for almost her entire life. She is in her 70s now and has held this grudge for more than 50 years. It has caused her to lie, cheat, and steal and that is not an exaggeration. All the while claiming to be a woman of Christian faith.

    Right now, it is motivating her to an act of erasing more than 120 years of Black family history. History tied to land. In South Carolina. History of relatives not that far removed from slavery. History of surviving Jim Crow.

    I was livid. I hated her. I hated my relatives for not doing more to protect the land even while knowing her true nature. I was ashamed of myself for my own financial mistakes and not being able to step in (a story I will share when I stop being ashamed of its telling).

    But then I prayed and but God. And remembered that God never fails.

    I began to feel the utmost sorrow for her. I began to pray that she can heal her heart after holding on to bitterness for so so long. I prayed that her legacy to her nuclear family doesn’t become one of greed and lies, but one of agape love and history.

    I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to not be able to forgive and hold on to vengeance for so long. What did she miss out on in her life because she was so focused on exacting her revenge? What decisions do you make in your life when it is all about retaliation while trying to keep up appearances that you kind and selfless? I have been wronged and violated in many ways (again stories I will share for later). I forgave not to forget what happened, but to allow myself the space to live my life with the purpose that God has directed for me. I forgive so I can let go of the physical reaction when I see their name, but to not forget the nature evil and those who wallow in deception. Forgiveness so that I do not block further blessings in my life by worrying about what happened yesterday, but not to forget the warning signs that come across my path.

    Letting go of the hurt, shame and anger has been freeing. It has freed me to focus on how to prevent situations in the future. It has freed me to focus on my own purpose.

    Today, I let go.

    Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

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  • What is The Wanderer’s Corner?

    Let’s start with some honesty – I do not know what The Wanderer’s Corner is – yet.

    I can say that it will be a journey and give you some background on why I decided to create this passion project.

    For several years I have been doing workshops, webinars, coaching groups, coaching individuals and lots of people on lots of different areas of their lives. Fundamentally I am good at three things – analyzing problems, thinking of solutions to solving problems and then connecting people to other resources to solve those problems.

    Previously, I tried to start a site focused on just career coaching called Amendment Nine. I’ve turned Amendment Nine just into my consulting and coaching business. However that felt too stifling. I love to delve in to lots of different areas and I am full of ideas. During a session with my therapist, he helped me to see that I create joy in my life by helping others recognize their own power simply by being present in a way that fits their journey. I actually really fought with myself over it because there are so many people who have huge followings who write words, sayings, etc. that I love. They create in a way that I wish I could. But I feel like I’ve been called to do this even if it is just for myself and so here I am.

    So The Wanderer’s Corner will be the culmination of those things. I can promise that it may feel random so I will try to organize it as much as possible. I can also tell you that for me, this platform will be used to talk about a lot of different topics and create an opportunity for me to think through some ideas I have that are still seedlings.

    The name of this site was a pure example of the universe conspiring. A game streamer saw my name in the chat – doyouwonderasyouwander (itself taken from Langston Hughes’ book) and and I was discussing my former business name and how it changed and he threw out very casually oh, I bet it’s called the Wanderer’s Corner. As it so happens, I was looking for names for my new business and this fit.

    Thank you for allowing me the space in your life. I hope that I can honor that in a very small way.

  • Career Resources

    Here is a list of free career resources you can use.

    Resume Verbs

    Brag List

    Skills Assessment